Homeless

“How are you doing?” The honest answer I could ever say, would just be “surviving”, I think. I used to use journaling as an outlet, three months later, I’ve got nothing to say, maybe because I stopped feeling it being enough anymore. Maybe my desperation has gone beyond repair. What would happen even when this doesn’t work?

Flew again after nearly 2 years. I’m just glad that Will and I never took a flight anywhere, otherwise I don’t know how much more traumatic the experience would have been for me. Stepping into the airport, checking in, security check, boarding, watching couples switching seats to sit together, staring into the back of the seat in front, claiming baggages. Everything became so remote and mechanic that sends you into doubts like why you exist.

I’m buying a car soon. This would be another milestone that sets me up to even bigger loneliness. What’s next? A house? Alone? This kind of life progressions were supposed to be shared, at least expectedly.

The thought is still there. Sometimes it just went hidden, often times it floats up and the more it does, the calmer I feel to consider bringing it to action. The thrill and heart wrenching feeling I get every time it appears gets lighter and lighter. The amount of people-watching I do still gets myself immersed in the imagination of their lives, this is about one of the good comforts I could give myself, or am able to find.

“You were like coming up for fresh air, feel like I was drowning and you saved me.” Derek survived. I hate flying alone. Every moment of it is a torturous reminder of homelessness.

It’s been many years since
I started out for that gold

Finding bits and pieces
All worth their reach, I’ve carried on
And somewhere in the light
I followed my eyes and went alone
Ended up here with the fear, cold gripping a stone

Drifting away, I go
Driving down the highway
Roll down the window, watch it go
Listen to the secrets of my tires rolling down the road

Somewhere in the night
She knows that I’m alright when I’m alone
But everything breezing keeps me company when I roll
Drifting away, I go
Driving all day
Driving all night
Drifting away, I go
Drifting away, I go