I’ve been having this recurring nightmare after I settled into my adulthood.

In the dream, there’s always an airport involved. Sometimes I wasn’t able to make it to the gate for the flight. Sometimes I lost my luggage. Sometimes I got separated from my parents that I’m traveling with. Sometimes I got lost in the airport and just could not figure out where to go because however I try it’s like a maze and I went back to square one. Sometimes I was on my way to the airport but got into the wrong bus, and watching the right one going away, I ran, I ran, but it’s gone. Sometimes I lost my phone and wallet, and got no one to call. Sometimes I got into the wrong flight and got sent to an unknown place where I don’t know anyone. Sometimes I was already in an unknown place and couldn’t find my way to the airport. … … I feel cold, helpless, lonely, and in despair, trying hard to get home. The...

I’m not the sort of person who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start
I have a lover who loves me:
How could I break such a heart?
Yet still you gained my attention
Why do you come here
When you know I’ve got troubles enough?
Why do you call me
When you know I can’t answer the phone?
Make me lie, when I don’t want to
And make someone else some kind of an unknowin’ fool
You make me stare, when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?
Why do you come here
And pretend to be just passing by?
But I need to see you,
And I mean to hold you
Tightly
Feeling guilty, worried,
Waking from tormented sleep
This old love has me bound
But this new love cuts deep
If I choose now, I’ll lose out
One of you has to fall
But I need you, and you
Why do you come here
When you know I’ve got troubles enough?
Why do you call me
When you know I...

Life recently has been very overwhelming. Well, “recently” is an understatement, this whole year has just been quite a bit to handle. Things kept coming and I had to adjust my priorities again and again, and up to a point, you’d be somewhat mentally and physically exhausted no matter how adaptable you are.

Not just emotional relationship life that I have gone through with different people, but also personal health issues, personal goal and plans. I’m rather laid back usually and I don’t stress out over things a lot, life happens as it happens, there’s not much I could control, and my own plans almost always end up falling in place as expected. But I have to admit that things can still become extremely overwhelming at times. And to also be honest, I can see how it would help to have a solid emotional support system around, whether it’s an individual, individuals or an animal.

...

Recently I read a post on Reddit, there comes a comment:

Because sometime I was so zoned out, I sort of knew, while I was in the moment, that it would be the last time. Maybe this principle just got embedded in my life so deeply that I could take each of the moment in while it lasts. But I knew, or there’s a part of me that’s foreseeing the end, in good faith.

I feel bad about yesterday. I am going to take a break from seeing you until I can settle things down at home. This was totally on me.

Even though learned that early in life, it still struck me as a surprise sometimes, when the actual end comes this fast. Oftentimes I’m crystal clear in the very beginning how things would end, and they are give or take accurate, relationships with other human beings are unfortunately, out of my control, including the last time.

Tell me somethin’, girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do...

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
–– Benjamin Franklin

I switched gym, and no, not because that “24-hour fitness” is a traumatic name, I grew insensitive about it. The new one has a better environment and services. There’s also a steam room in it, one thing I like to do is to force myself to stay inside for a certain time, with my low heat tolerance, I would want to get out almost immediately. But no, I stay until the time out, psychotic? Maybe, sometimes I’m pretty good at forcing myself. The last two minutes of this process are grueling, it feels like an eternity, I absolutely hated it.

But I choose to do that, and I have to do that, to remind myself what it’d be like at the end of the next two years, the time when I really receive my freedom. Because that’s what I’m feeling right now, like the last 2 minutes. It has become a more intense and extreme feeling since Will and I ended things.

I still have about 86.2% of my life that I’m...

“How are you doing?” The honest answer I could ever say, would just be “surviving”, I think. I used to use journaling as an outlet, three months later, I’ve got nothing to say, maybe because I stopped feeling it being enough anymore. Maybe my desperation has gone beyond repair. What would happen even when this doesn’t work?

Flew again after nearly 2 years. I’m just glad that Will and I never took a flight anywhere, otherwise I don’t know how much more traumatic the experience would have been for me. Stepping into the airport, checking in, security check, boarding, watching couples switching seats to sit together, staring into the back of the seat in front, claiming baggages. Everything became so remote and mechanic that sends you into doubts like why you exist.

I’m buying a car soon. This would be another milestone that sets me up to even bigger loneliness. What’s next? A house? Alone...

With dirt in my hair, and mud on my boots
I’m gonna lay down
Lay down some roots
This rolling stone
Ain’t gonna move
He’s gonna lay down
Lay down some roots
For you for me
Just wait and see
Where the river runs wild
In a valley below
I’m gonna plant me some seeds
And watch them grow
For me for you
Under a sky so blue ohhh
I don’t have a cent to call it a dime
I’ve been looking for something I may never find
But I’m all done running, now I’m walking a line
And I ain’t sure nothing but I’m sure gonna try to be true