Silent Amigo
I’m ready to accept the fact, the fact of me feeling the loneliness. It’s just so quiet, even with the music in the background. I start to feel that another individual’s presence is necessary, even he/she doesn’t talk. I’m jealous of Elliot that he has Leon who keeps talking around him, that’s something worth treasuring.
I guess that’s why I liked it when it’s a new surrounding with a lot of people nobody knows me, I think that makes me feel safe.
Sometimes I stare at a picture of a man, It almost feels like he’s staring back, with the emotion that his facial expression is expressing. If I stare a little longer, I can even feel he’s moving and talking to me.
I think I should shift the description of my mental state to the description of my actions in daily life, in this journal app. Just like the paragraph above. That way, I’m more an observer, just like anyone who’d see me in daily life. I slept at 1 or so last night. Let me check my Fitbit. It’s 1:25 AM to be exact, until 12:10 today. Today is Oct, 27th, Friday. 10 hours and 18 mins. It’s been like this for a while. Maybe you’ll think that if I sleep earlier I’d get up earlier which is good for a student like me. But, hey, my silent friend, I’ve tried.
Yea, I should be acting like Leon and imagine I’m talking about daily shit with a friend, a friend that never talks back, just like Elliot. He’d just keep listening by reading what I wrote. Yesterday I went to SportClips, a barbershop. She fucked up with my haircut. By “fucked up” I mean she made it asymmetrical, which is usually intolerable to me. I tipped her $5, 25%, not just because I didn’t notice there, and because of saving face. Yea, I swear I don’t give a fuck about how she’d view me if I didn’t tip her that much. But I did. Sometimes you just couldn’t remember those thoughts. Should I go there again next time? I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t. But I still have $5 coupon. I can be mean about money sometimes, not that I want to, but I have to during this particular period. I tried to follow a certain set of principles, but you know you can bend them or ignore them on some trivial things. This is how the world works. All depends on how one defines trivial.
But what gave me the confidence of saying being asymmetrical is bad? It’s just not the habit of me, this particular individual. To prove this, well, nothing in this world is symmetrical. The mirror? Well, human’s technique would never reach a point that they can accurately create a mirror that can project and reflect a perfect image. That’s why there’re measurements to assess a good quality mirror. I can give more examples but it won’t be necessary. The asymmetry in my eyes is just the asymmetry that I can feel, through my senses. All the kinds of stuff my brain processed, are just a form of chemical substances representation of what our sensation has sensed. It can be very scary and dangerous once this is brought up. That means all of this might just be the best guess of my brain. Boom, you lost the boundary between reality and what we always called the illusion.
I haven’t had any fruit for days, maybe even weeks. I don’t remember. I couldn’t notice what’s different, at least not in this life scope and time scope. This is always interesting. You’ll never know the reason for some disease because there’re just too many variables. Here I just assume fruit is beneficial. And I also assume I did that only because I don’t have the resources for me particularly, to keep a regime, I mean a routine. That can keep me from overthinking. I often think I am talented, gifted, and the reason I haven’t been much better than I am right now is that I’m constrained by my mind and brain. Just like in the sci-fi 三体, my intelligence was locked away from advanced development, even though, that part of intelligence sometimes, a few times, can be leaked to the normal me. If I use IQ as a measurement, like the time it’s leaked to make my test score as high as 150. 20 points straight plus. Isn’t that interesting? Even the key part is locked away I’m still smarter than most of the people. This is a theory that cannot be proved true, either false, but it’s reasonable. Imagine how much harm or effect I’m going to have on this world or humanity if I’m extremely gifted and even my key intelligence is locked away, as much as possible, I’m still smarter than most of the people in this world. Maybe I’d do something that the humanity at this time cannot accept? Then it’d be catastrophic.
Or even funnier. Up to today, nobody deciphered sleep. About why, about how and about what, why we need sleep? How exactly does it happen? What part of our brain changed? Or abstractly, what part of our consciousness changed? What do we dream about? Does it have anything to do with my locked away intelligence? If “Mind awake, body sleep” really works, what would you experience?