The Other Side
The vision that originated in 2022 is, I think, collapsing. It’s a blessing to have met and befriended people in my life. Yet, I didn’t realize how core of a support that vision has been. It’s going to be my first Thanksgiving without Jonathan, and technically, completely alone. How do I feel? I’m not sure.
Daylight saving ended now. Not sure if it’s my past ignorance or my recent airport dreams, I’ve easily noticed how early on the clock it gets dark. I headed home after a quick pharmacy run at 4:40 PM; the sky was already dimming; the red tail lights along with lit windows in the far-away office building became so bright, somehow making the traffic more lively. I tried to find the connection between this cluster of emotions and the dusk. Maybe the busyness I devoted myself to did not find itself much meaning. The November 2021 me was busy cooking a tomato sauce dish with shrimp and veggies, with complimentary delivery to the airport. The lights on the way looked awfully similar, shimmering an extra layer of purpose.
The car lock beep which used to happily announce the arrival home turned sharp around the holiday seasons. The living room wasn’t pitch dark, but only thanks to the street lights. I could have felt more freedom and comfort at this moment, yet, the safety is gone, so I don’t sense much freedom anymore either. The Christmas tree was standing by the dining table, unlit, and I had to turn on the kitchen lights and start preparing dinner – well, stuffing down some food.
Oftentimes, I think that there are better places to go, at least I wouldn’t be trapped in my memories and how they are and will always be just memories. More times, I think it’s better to have happened and passed than to have not happened at all. Every year around this time, I’d put on one of the shows to have some sort of background voices: Friends in 2019, The Office in 2021, and Parks & Recreation in 2022. What’s it gonna be in 2023?
This year’s love ran its course. I’ve always talked about placing myself on the other side of a time point and looking back, then appreciating the present more. I can’t say I hadn’t imagined such a day, and I can’t say I didn’t know how it’d feel back then, yet, the permanence of the other side makes you wonder if all of it was a dream. The first wave of grief starts at that moment, the second wave, the potentially never-ending one, starts when you’re on the other side.
I’ve been on the other side many times now. I noticed that time is usually the winner, and it takes all. I’m just grateful for the upcoming reunions, because I’m not on the other side yet.