Airport

I’ve been having this recurring nightmare after I settled into my adulthood.

In the dream, there’s always an airport involved. Sometimes I wasn’t able to make it to the gate for the flight. Sometimes I lost my luggage. Sometimes I got separated from my parents that I’m traveling with. Sometimes I got lost in the airport and just could not figure out where to go because however I try it’s like a maze and I went back to square one. Sometimes I was on my way to the airport but got into the wrong bus, and watching the right one going away, I ran, I ran, but it’s gone. Sometimes I lost my phone and wallet, and got no one to call. Sometimes I got into the wrong flight and got sent to an unknown place where I don’t know anyone. Sometimes I was already in an unknown place and couldn’t find my way to the airport. … … I feel cold, helpless, lonely, and in despair, trying hard to get home. The feelings persist into my life after I woke up, and I still have no one to call, the room is still empty, and what’s surrounding me is only darkness, and unknown.

In my life til now, I’ve always been traveling by myself, either to home, to school, to work, to vacation, to visit someone, I’d always flown alone. The whole process, I wasn’t able to talk to anyone, wasn’t able to share music or movie with anyone, wasn’t able to hold onto anyone. It’s the time when I feel myself the most just like a floating dandelion with no roots, with no place or person to call home, or to lean on. It’s not freedom, it’s a constant fear, and a constant suffering from the separation with something to rely on.

I still love Airport, in a way, it still represents new and exciting adventures. But in no time have I ever not dreamed of traveling together with someone. I can imagine myself being with him feeling safe, and at home. Am I okay without that, I think so. Would it make things happier and better, oh yea, for sure.