大雪 Da Xue

Life recently has been very overwhelming. Well, “recently” is an understatement, this whole year has just been quite a bit to handle. Things kept coming and I had to adjust my priorities again and again, and up to a point, you’d be somewhat mentally and physically exhausted no matter how adaptable you are.

Not just emotional relationship life that I have gone through with different people, but also personal health issues, personal goal and plans. I’m rather laid back usually and I don’t stress out over things a lot, life happens as it happens, there’s not much I could control, and my own plans almost always end up falling in place as expected. But I have to admit that things can still become extremely overwhelming at times. And to also be honest, I can see how it would help to have a solid emotional support system around, whether it’s an individual, individuals or an animal.

Surprisingly, my homesickness is only presenting in my dreams but not in my conscious time, even though I haven’t been able to go back visiting my parents and families for two and a half years, I guess my mind has been preoccupied to feel how out of control everything seems to be right now instead, thanks, technology.

I’m perfectly accepting towards things that just randomly happened to me, what makes it painful and difficult is when you are blocking yourself consciously and intentionally from expressing your feelings towards someone, or changing a situation around, just because you know you shouldn’t. I guess the reason I’m so good at forcing myself might be because I’ve had so many practices doing so growing up. It’s not self-abusive, not like what it may sound like.

I’m heading to the hospital now. I really just want this year to be over. Not that it would magically change on Jan 1st next year, but as a symbolic end to this period of time.