What’s next?

What’s next?
That’s a question you’d keep asking yourself along the way to your 30’s. Right now, 21:46:00, Aug 8, 2017, I don’t know at all about the answer. The more you listen to the song Jaded by Disclosure, the more you’d feel like telling yourself to admit that the whole thing has reached a point that you can’t proceed simply because you want to. You now are not sure at all if it’s your abilities’ limitation or it’s the mind that stops you. Well, technically speaking, it’s not the abilities that have been there all the time, it is the fact that, most of the abilities that are required for you to proceed can be trained, and gained. Under this circumstances, you struggle, because this training process can be limited in so many ways, like the academic degree you’re getting, the questions you’ve been asked, the problems you’ve solved, etc. I do not hold a negative attitude towards this kind of training, because it might benefit you in some unknown ways, like biologically. But in my case, this is rather exhausting and self-devastating if all of this happened with a purpose and competition. Interviews are one of the purposes.

Back to where I started, all those so-called “obstacles” are those ultimate fears you’re gonna face, and you don’t want to overcome it only because you can do so. I mean you can still live pretty well without overcoming them. That’s the point when making decision became enigmatical. You’re confused and conflicted, the fear of overcoming those obstacles or the fear of a seemed fixed future? I don’t know. By a seemed fixed future, I mean in a sight-able future, once you decided not to interview (it seems that it is the only easy and practical possibility), you’re kinda stuck at where you are, you’ll feel less of this if you currently like your current work(but believe me, you’ll feel it somehow someday), but what if it’s the work that you used only 40% percent of your whole knowledge base? I think it’s like my case right now. On one hand, you’re happy with settling down and being stable, on the other, you’re afraid of starting off a relatively lower base with the regret of not fighting for a higher one. And to you, the decision seems to be very critical, it’s almost like one shot, once you lose it, there’d be even much more terrifying sacrifice and obstacles ahead of you, waiting. You’re not sure that if you’re coward down because you are not that smart or because you don’t have enough training. Math is more a natural thing than training, isn’t it? I really need some convincing proof of this.

I believe after all above, anyone who’d read this would think why I have those questions? “I’ve already got the answer, overcome it” One might say. Well, I do want to. Here’s the situation, I do not have any research experience, I do not have any published paper, I do not have a more math-like major, I do not have super strong advanced math skills(I hate myself for just letting the learning period be filled with psychological issues in undergrad, but then I feel bad because it’s not my fault to have those.), I can train the math skills, but I really do not have the time, at least from what I can see right now, to do research or be qualified to do research at a prestigious university. Yes, I go to a top university, but it all seems pointless now. I don’t hold the advanced degree that’s preferred for my desired working positions. That leads me to think and dig my motivations. In middle school even high school, I was so good at math but since I keep accepting the fact that a lot of people are better than me, I became humble at first, then confidence destroying mode. Now I even stumble at math tricks that are usually solved by me. I’ve always wondered how I ended up like this. If this is God’s intention, why did he build up all my pride only for me to lose it?

Speaking of motivations, I was and am still confused. Is it for just finding a partner? or just to pay back all the debt my family has? or to earn me and my family a mild luxurious, easy, worth-showing-off life? Is it just for my vanity and pride and ego and ambition? or to actually find my younger self, that self of wanting to build and explore the actual knowledge, wanting to solve problems, wanting to actually contribute my brain’s power to the evolution of humanity? I have no clue. Ideally, all of them. But I’m at a checkmated position, where I have to put one of the motivations first, prioritize them. But I don’t even know which one is my source, which one is the source of the reasons that I didn’t commit suicide years ago. Yeah, thinking of that can be scary.

I’ll continue this later.

I wrote all this down, but surprisingly clean, they’re all a mess in my head. I have a problem to prioritize my motivations, I also have a problem to fight hard to not to turn into a walking dead. I mean, if this is all how it’s meant to be, I seriously have no idea what’s next, I can’t see the clue. I’ll be a walking dead. And I don’t want to. Am I even capable of fighting back? I just hope there’d be some kinda of an understandable hint, at least understandable by me.