• How fragile is your masculinity?

What do you mean? I don’t even know how masculinity is defined by the society nowadays.

• I think people who have internal homophobia or are sexist most probably have rather fragile masculinity. They would not allow any action, speech, any expression to hurt or even get in the way of them showing or maintaining their masculinity.

Hmm, interesting question. Then I don’t think I have fragile masculinity.

• It could also be a situation like when a male lawyer feels jealous, insecure or even hurt when a female colleague posts an aggressive working style and tries to step up. Well, this is just an example.

Yeah, I could think and understand this case. But it could happen in both directions.

• Yeah, absolutely right, masculinity doesn’t limit itself to just men. It seems more like being in control, a dominant position in which that masculine traits and...

Last Sunday, I went to see this movie with a few friends. It was a quick decision under some sort of social/peer pressure. But I’m glad I did. Otherwise, I would have not at all heard about this movie.

One of the themes surrounding this film is pretty obvious, the racial problems in America, police brutality and violence towards people of color, more so on black people specifically. Another theme the film tries hard to reveal is to show the struggles that both white and black races when it comes to racial problems. I have to admit that I may have a slight bias towards the black race due to complex reasoning and under many cultural influences, but I would always try my best to maintain the objectivity of my opinions.

Witnessing a police shooting scene to a 26-year-old black father with a 3-year-old daughter has been haunting Collin, our main character, who is on probation struggles to...

Consciousness evolved with questions natural selection never designed it to answer, making truth just beyond man’s Darwinian limits.

So the world isn’t acting the way you thought it would. But we don’t see things the way they are, we see things the way we are.

An exciting recurrence jumped to my mind. Memory doesn’t get retrieved just like a genuine and accurate reflection of the past event. Memory is generated and constructed when a recollection occurs, and yes, it is strongly affected by the retrieval environment under certain circumstances. I would like to assume that this is also highly related to how our views and values are built throughout our own unique journey of growing up.

A double effect process. How you make a decision depends on your past and your current situation, sounds cliche but undoubtfully true. The past you “remembered” also depends on the past you encoded in...

I think you’ll be a great husband

• What about a dad?

Yea that too, I think you’ll be a great father

• Yea I just watched Good Will Hunting.

Why have you waited for so many years?

• I was afraid it would impact me too much while I was in school, at that moment, with all the much more vanity I was seeking and my un-discountable ego.

Well how did you feel after watching?

• I felt peace

Good, and anything else?

• You need to be more specific

You never viewed yourself as an observer or a key holder to the lives of those who are around you

• Hmm, looking back maybe I do. And I am close to your description, with the difference that I didn’t mean to do that, it just sorta happened

Yea but when you are consciously doing it, it doesn’t work as well does it?

• You’re right, it hadn’t

It takes a lot to be yourself

You think too much, that’s not a bad thing, it’s hard for most people to exhaust the possibilities. When you can, and you do, make sure you also act

• I did. I played the...

• Weird. It suddenly came to me that out of all those many action movies none of the lead characters are gay

Yeah, that’s kinda very true

But does it really matter

• Yea
• It does
• For those gay teens who haven’t figured themselves out

So seeing a gay guy punch people and jump out of windows is going to help that

• Yea
• It helps to shape how gays could also be in the mind of old generations and most of the straight people
• It helps for others to realize that except sexuality everything else is no different

Um I guess so, you can also teach your child to imagine and acknowledge the possibility of things beyond what you see

• Not younger, lol
• The older and the society. Those gay teens would only judge themselves before the self-acceptance according to the hiding rules and standards set by the society

Well if you want gay heroes and what have you. You can’t beg and wait for the straights...

Dreamed about family again, 1 year and a half without any in-person interactions with any of my family members. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if next summer, unfortunately, I could not go back. Then I’ll have to wait until next lunar new year(Well, 2019 lunar new year), during when I can take a vocation of around 1 month. Then I’ll have to come back again. There will only be winter in my hometown. It’s a sad thing, considering how much I love spring and summer there.

We were planning for a trip next summer, the family trip. We need this, my family needs this. We haven’t been able to do it since I was in middle school. I remember we went to Beijing traveling after I finished my elementary school, then 2 years later, my grandpa had a stroke. Or should I say, starting to have strokes? He had 3 in total. The first one got him right side paralyzed, lost the capability of clear...

I’m ready to accept the fact, the fact of me feeling the loneliness. It’s just so quiet, even with the music in the background. I start to feel that another individual’s presence is necessary, even he/she doesn’t talk. I’m jealous of Elliot that he has Leon who keeps talking around him, that’s something worth treasuring.

I guess that’s why I liked it when it’s a new surrounding with a lot of people nobody knows me, I think that makes me feel safe.

Sometimes I stare at a picture of a man, It almost feels like he’s staring back, with the emotion that his facial expression is expressing. If I stare a little longer, I can even feel he’s moving and talking to me.

I think I should shift the description of my mental state to the description of my actions in daily life, in this journal app. Just like the paragraph above. That way, I’m more an observer, just like anyone who’d see me in daily...